PPC: Mossflower Division
by Bubonic Woodchuck
Summary: (INCOMPLETE)(Updated 7-03-04) You have often heard of the horrifying creature called the Mary-Sue, and how not even the strongest beast in Mossflower may resist her wiles. We, the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, have made it our quest to destroy her...
1. Prologue

_(Disclaimer: We don't own Redwall or Lord of the Rings. The PPC idea comes from Jay and Acacia, who first came up with the idea.)_

**Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Mossflower Division**

By Bubonic Woodchuck

Prologue

-----

_It was night-time. The birds were asleep. The stars shone black in the sky. Under regular circumstances, 'stars shining black' would have been impossible; however, in this world, anything could happen._

_The warrior stood alone on the ramparts of Redwall Abbey, watching, waiting for dawn._

_He was a well-built mouse, the light of a fighter shining in his hard eyes. He could not be moved. He had suffered through too much to let himself be pushed around. He was Martin the Warrior, one of the Founders of Redwall, and he had paid much to become what he was now - and paid dearly._

_Rose..._

_A single word pushed its way into his mind, and almost instantly he thought of Eradrïnynae Yrladdrym. The young mousemaid had only arrived at Redwall a few days before, but she bore on her features such a resemblance to his Rose that she had taken his breath away._

_True, she was an outcast from her clan - her clan, the stars in the night sky above - because she had been born an albino, with golden eyes. But she had a wonderful personality, and Martin the Warrior thought that there was no-beast in all of Mossflower like her. She could wield a blade better than Martin himself, and could strike a dragonfly on the wing if she but held a bow in her paws. _

_Even as he thought of her, Martin was aware of footsteps padding behind him._

_Eradrïnynae glided to his side, her fiery golden eyes focused on him._

_"You are thinking about your lost love," she said. It was not a question._

_Martin turned, and nodded. He realised, as if for the first time, that the mousemaid's beauty was breathtaking; indeed, she was more beautiful than a breeze-blown spring day... Trembling, he slid his paws about her slender waist, and both of them shared a long embrace, and a passionate kiss._

_It was Eradrïnynae that broke away first. She stared up at him with her gentle eyes, longing to be next to him eternally. Martin looked back down at her, and he placed a paw on the jewel between her eyes that showed she was an outcast from the stars. It was turning blue, a sign that she was in love. "You are like Rose, and yet you are not," he breathed._

_"You are...seeking your Rose," she murmured. "I sense this. I feel your aura growing dark."_

_Martin was shocked. "How do you know this?" he asked._

_"Easy. It's 'cos she's a Mary-Sue," smirked a voice._

_"Yeah, they're all like that. You get used to it after you go on a coupla missions," a second chimed in._

_Martin and Eradrïnynae spun around to see a ferret and a weasel leaning on the battlements, nasty grins on their faces. The ferret was clad in a plain brown jerkin, and seemed to carry no weapons, save a rather suspicious-looking pouch tied to her belt. The weasel was sporting a tunic that appeared to have been green once upon a time, but was now discoloured, and rather dirt-stained. She was toting a longbow. Martin's sword was out and pointed at the pair in a split-second._

_"Who are you, and how did you get here?"_

_"Stay out of this, Martin," warned the ferret. "We just want the mousemaid."_

_"Yeah. She's disrupting the continuum," added the weasel._

_"Save me, Martin!" shrieked Eradrïnynae. "Help!"_

_"Never fear, my love," exclaimed Martin gallantly. "They will never defeat me!" Having said these completely out-of-character words, he waved his sword dramatically and rushed towards the vermin, who both winced at this obvious breach of canon._

_"I really duwanna do this," began the ferret, "but desperate stuff...calls for...other desperate stuff. I forget how the saying goes." She produced a blowpipe from her pouch, and before anybeast could blink an eye, Martin was out cold on the ground, a small tufted dart protruding from his shoulder._

_"Ohhhh," wailed Eradrïnynae. "They have slain my love. The vermin have killed him, the cowards, without a fair fight." Her eyes flashed red; she pulled the sword from the unconscious Martin's paw, and proceeded to advance toward the vermin duo. The ferret danced forward and caught Eradrïnynae a blow between the eyes, just below the blue jewel, stunning the mousemaid momentarily._

_"Oh, hell's whiskers." The weasel drew a shaft from a quiver and slid it onto her bowstring. "You do the charges, Shay."_

_Shay waved her blowpipe around dramatically as she recited, "Eradrïnynae Yrladdrym, you are charged with being 'an albino with golden eyes,' inducing said eyes to change color at will, having a 'magical crystal' implanted on your forehead, coming from the stars, resembling a canon character, being telepathic, being a god-moder, being a Warrior!Sue, and having a deleterious impact on the canon character of Martin the Warrior." The ferret waved the blowpipe again. "Any last words?"_

_"Draw steel, and fight me like a true warrior!" proclaimed the mousemaid._

Sssst... Thunk!

_Even an inexperienced archer would have been hard put to miss at this range._

_Shay smiled nastily as Eradrïnynae's eyes began to cloud. "D'you knows, I forgot to tell you. We're not warriors. We're assassins. And we kill Mary-Sues." She slung the now-dead mousemaid over her shoulder. "Let's go, Rena."_

_Rena plucked the dart from Martin's shoulder, tucked it back into the pouch at her side, opened up a portal with a strange-looking device, and the pair disappeared into the void as canon snapped back into place._

_Martin awoke in a matter of minutes. Due to his unconscious state at the time of battle, and also to the fact that the poisoned dart had borne an ancient venom that erased all memory - known to the Protectors of the Plot Continuum as Bleepka - he remembered nothing about what had occurred..._

_And nothing about a young albino mousemaid named Mary-Sue._

-----

"Neat job. Well done," said a voice. 

Shay Williams pulled off her headset and virtual reality goggles, and looked eagerly at the tall Asian girl that stood beside her. "Really? You think so?"

"Yeah. Better than my first training mission, and believe me, that one's hard to top." The Asian girl grinned and patted Shay on the back. "Excellent, excellent. I think you're ready to start PPCing."

Shay's eyes widened. "You're kidding me, Rena."

"I'm not. That was one of the toughest missions on the hard drive."

"It was? That's the hardest the missions will get in the PPC?"

Rena Chang shook her head. "No. No, it's not. It's harder, wilder, tougher. It might seem fun at first, but then it gets bad." Her dark brown eyes seemed to be elsewhere. 

_It's tougher out there. A million times tougher. Your job is to kill Mary-Sues - and sometimes that means watching canon characters die. Watching them suffer. It's no wonder Upstairs wants us to recruit so much - it's to make up for all the agents that go insane, or leave, or get killed during missions. You'll learn, Shay. You'll learn in time. Why, just a while ago, Acacia in the Lord of the Rings department took extended leave, and she hasn't been back for a long while. Her favorite character...it was Boromir, wasn't it? Explains why she left..._

"Rena? Rena?"

"Explains...a lot...huh?" Rena looked up into the worried green eyes of the new recruit. 

"You spaced out for a moment there. You okay?"

"It's nothing, Shay. I'll be fine."

"You sure?" Shay looked skeptical.

Rena smiled. "I'm sure. Now, let's go to the SO. I think you're ready for the real thing."

"The SO?"

-----

The sunflowerseemed to beam down at Rena and Shay, waving it fronds eagerly.

_A new recruit, is it, Rena? You've been busy._

Shay squeaked. "Rena...the flower...it's TALKING!"

_And if that was a display of the recruit's mental capacity, I should have to say that I am unimpressed._

Rena twitched. "She's good with a bow. Better than the last one."

_That's not saying much. The 'last one' shot herself every time she handled a bow._

"She got the intended target right between the eyes at a distance of five yards," continued Rena.

_That's still not saying much,_ insisted the Sunflower Official, head of the Mary-Sue Department. _Not much at all._

"You said we should recruit," said Rena, for the most part unfazed. "You never said the recruit had to be in working order."

"Am I in or not?" Shay interrupted, a bit put out at being continually referred to in the third person. "I mean, I can hit things from a farther distance than that. It's just the distance I was at and all..."

_All right, all right._ The CO ruffled its petals in a rather unsuccessful attempt at looking affronted. _Get out of here._

Shay grinned. _I'm in!_ she thought excitedly. _I'm actually in the PPC!_

**[Rena's A/N: So here's the beginning to our PPC spinoff. Um...yeah. As you can tell, it would sort of help if you've read the original PPC series. And...leave a review. Yeah. And I know that I've a million WIPs to finish, but the urge to write a spinoff was just too strong. I'll update the others sooner or later.]**

**[Shay's A/N: _I'm in the PPC! EEEEEE!_ So anyways it's great to be here. Big big big thank-you to Rena, who let me partner up with her, and über-big big big thank-you to the guys at the PPC Message Board, who authorised this. Do review. It makes us happy.]**


	2. In Which Shay Receives A Reading List

_(Disclaimer: We don't own Redwall or Lord of the Rings. The PPC idea comes from Jay and Acacia, who first came up with the idea.)_

**Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Mossflower Division**

By Bubonic Woodchuck

Chapter One: In Which Shay Receives A Reading List

-----

Rena strode briskly through the corridors. She was in a hurry to get back to Headquarters, as she hadn't been there in hours due to Shay's training. 

The new recruit struggled to keep up with the older girl's pace. "Are we there yet?"

"If we were, d'you think I'd still be walking?" Rena replied.

"Um...no."

"My point exactly."

Shay was about to point out that Rena wasn't walking; in fact it was more like a headlong sprint, but she had no desire to lose her newly found job, or her head for that matter.

A few more moments passed in silence; then Rena stopped at a door, unlocked it, and stepped inside, Shay right behind her. They entered a large metal room. Various pelts lined one wall, quite obviously trophies from bygone missions; a large otterskin throw-rug adorned the floor. Shay bent down and patted it; it was extremely soft and smelled of expensive hair-care products. Immediately the Asian checked the console, which was emitting a steady 'beep.'

"'S that?" asked Shay, peeking over Rena's shoulder.

"E-mail," replied Rena. "From Ardin, no doubt."

"Ardin?"

"He's in the Department of Intelligence for the Mossflower Division. He searches out the missions, and sends them to us to take care of."

"I see."

"Apparently this mission's on Salamandastron - some random haremaid heroically fights her way through Ferahgo's horde and saves Urthstripe."

"Um, 'kay."

Rena looked at Shay. "You haven't read that book, have you?"

"...No," said Shay meekly.

Rena shook her head. "That's not good. We can't go on a mission until you're properly acquainted with all of Redwall canon." She checked the computer again, and then gestured at the tall cabinets that lined a wall. "I'll divert this mission to the Bad Slash Department - there's some Ferahgo/Klitch in this one too. They'll take care of that, which will leave us about two days until we go on it to exterminate the Mary-Sue. You have approximately forty-eight hours to read all of the Redwall books you haven't yet read. They're all in that cabinet over there." She turned and began typing a letter to the Bad Slashers.

_"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!" _A terrified scream rent the air. Rena spun around, almost knocking the keyboard off of the desk.__

Shay quivered with fright, pointing at the open cabinet. The Redwall books were stacked neatly in chronological order, but that wasn't what she was screaming about.

A glowing little fireball was seated on the shelf directly below the books. On closer inspection, it appeared to be a miniature version of J.R.R. Tolkien's Balrog, and was actually rather cute in a fiery-demon-ish way. Shay wailed, "You never told me about this thing!"

The affronted creature glared at Shay. Rena snorted in a futile attempt to hold back her laughter. "That's my mini-Balrog, Bromire."

"Mini-?"

"I got him from the Official Fan-fiction University of Middle Earth. Miss Cam runs it - you heard of it before?"

"'Every name spelt wrong in Rings/A mini-Balrog gets its wings,'" recited Shay, who was beginning to blush.

"Right," said Rena. "This one was born from a really, really bad Boromir/Aragorn fic. He takes care of my weapons and things. Cummere, ikkle guy," and the mini-Balrog wandered over and plopped contentedly in her lap. She hugged it fondly, completely oblivious of the flames surrounding the little demon. Bromire made a sound of deep satisfaction, closed his eyes, and snuggled up to Rena. "I used to work in the Bad Slash Department for LotR, you know." She pronounced the acronym smoothly - 'loter.'

Shay watched, one eyebrow raised. Rena was insane. Definitely off the deep end.

-----

"WHAT?!"

"Eh?"

"How _could_ they?"

"Could they what?"

"Give us a mission _now_? We haven't slept for five days!"

There was a _thunk_ as fist met computer screen. Fortunately, the screen was plastic and very thick plastic at that, for this sole purpose; and so it did not break.

The fist was another matter.

"Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!"

"'Kiko...!"

"Ow! [expletive]! Ow!"

"Calm down, 'Kiko!"

"Shut _up_, Mike! Ow!"

"Akiko, if you'd just let me look at the [expletive] hand!"

A sigh. "All right! Ow! Fine!"

An uncomfortable pause followed.

"OW!"

"It's bandaged, okay? Bandaged. Not the best, but we're too far from Medical for it to be worth it."

Akiko Ichimonji sniffled. "Thanks a lot, jerk. Are you saying I'm not worth it?"

Mike Wilson patted her blue-dyed hair. "Of course not. All I'm saying is that it's very, very far from here to Dr. Fitzgerald's office, and the remote activator's broken so we can't portal there, and Makes-Things is too busy being terrorised by the Mary-Sue Department to lend us a hand at fixing it, and finally Dr. Fitzgerald is also too busy tending to Legolas from Lord of the Rings, and Bluefen from here, to bandage your fist up." He took a deep breath after uttering the run-on sentence.

"Yeah, I guess," said Akiko, nursing her hand. She paused. "Hey, wait a minute. Aren't canon characters not allowed in Headquarters?"

"Of course they're not. But sometimes agents lose their neuralysers, or the characters are beaten up to the point of death, and they portal 'em here. It's against the rules, but otherwise canon would pretty much implode. Besides, nobody does it unless it's an emergency."

Akiko smiled coyly at her boyfriend. "Have _you_ ever done it?"

"Maybe." Mike smiled back at her from behind his dark brown bangs. "But in any case you didn't hear it from me. Now, let's go."

"Now?"

"Look. You've been with the Bad Slashers for a year now. You _know_ that the longer we wait, the greater the chance the author might post another chapter."

"Ergh. Don't remind me." Akiko grabbed a backpack and slung it over her shoulder. "Set the disguises, Wilson."

"Right. Vermin, then." Mike flipped a few switches, opened up a portal, and the two Bad Slashers stepped into the heat of a noonday sun.

-----

"So, what was the name of Sollertree before he lost his family?" asked Rena.

"Skyspike," replied Shay promptly.

"Good. What was the name of Tammo's mother?"

"Mem Divina."

"Right. The expert archer that slew Rillflag?"

"Vallug Bowbeast."

"Excellent. The dish that Hon Rosie made in The Bellmaker, which was also created by Rufe and Durry in the prologue of the book?"

"Pearl Queen Pudden."

Rena leaned back in her chair. "Well, now we sit and wait till the Bad Slashers are done, I guess. You might want to take a nap - it'll be the first and only one you'll ever take here. You've a guaranteed fifteen hours. After that, we might be working nonstop for days on end."

_"What?!"_

"You heard me right. And you're lucky we aren't in the LotR division. I remember how we worked for two weeks without more than an hour of sleep at a time in Bad Slash."

"How do you guys _do_ this?"

"A lot of us can't and go live in the Psych ward. The rest of us? Caffeine." Rena pointed to a bubbling coffee machine in one corner of the room. "That was the first thing I got when I was transferred to Redwall."

"I hate coffee," said Shay as Rena went to get herself a cup.

"You'll learn to like it. And if you seriously can't stand the stuff, you can ask Bromire - nicely, mind you - to get you a soda. There are vending machines in the cantina."

Shay glanced at the mini-Balrog, who bared his teeth ingratiatingly. "Um, I'll take coffee."

"Oh, he doesn't bite. Just ask him real nicely, and maybe give him something shiny. Bromire likes shinies." Rena rubbed the mini-Balrog's head.

"Really," muttered Shay sarcastically.

"Yeah. See?" Here the other assassin opened up a cupboard. Inside were what seemed like a million shiny things, including (but not limited to) two jewelled broadswords, a curved dagger, several necklaces, and no less than six replicas of the One Ring, which, incidentally, looked as if they had been ripped rather haphazardly off of random necks. "Came from Mary-Sues during a crossover mission," said Rena proudly, indicating the rings. "The SO let me keep 'em. Bromire's rather proud."

"I imagine so," said Shay, looking down at Bromire, who was patting one of the replicas fondly.

**_BEEEEEEEEP!_**

Rena swore briefly and creatively. Shay raised an eyebrow and stored Rena's profanity in the back of her mind for reference. It never hurt to increase one's knowledge of foreign languages.

"How can they be done already?! _How,_ I ask you?"

"Bad Slash is fast, I guess," replied Shay.

"Bad Slash? Fast? Those words should _never_ be used in the same sentence."

"Unless it's 'Bad Slash is not fast,' right?"

"Right. Vermin disguises. Mm, I haven't been a rat for a while. How about you?"

"Um...stoat."

"Right then." Rena tapped briefly on the keyboard, opened a portal, and stepped onto the shores near Salamandastron with Shay close behind, much like the Bad Slashers had done before.

**[Rena's A/N: Some plot development before our first mission, I suppose. Any road I would like to remind you all that this is _not_ an MST; all Mary-Sues contained within this fic are the product of our own demented minds. However, if you would like to gain a wee bit of recognition, you may e-mail your own badfic to us at bubonic_woodchuck@yahoo.com. Please bear in mind that the badfic e-mailed _must_ be yours. Do _not_ e-mail us anyone else's. Thank you.]**

**[Shay's A/N: Well, there's another chapter done. Please review. Positive feedback will be appreciated; constructive criticism will be taken into consideration; flames will be publicly mocked. Thankee.]**


	3. Psilophyta Magnoliopsida

_(Disclaimer: We don't own Redwall or Lord of the Rings. The PPC comes from Jay and Acacia, who first came up with the idea.)_

**Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Mossflower Division**

By Bubonic Woodchuck

Chapter Two: Psilophyta Magnoliopsida

-----

The stoat looked at the rat. "Rena? That you?"

"Of course it is." The rat grinned. However, the grin was abruptly cut short when the veteran agent looked at the Words that comprised the world around them.

**teh sun waz brite in teh sky an dit shon down on hte badjer mt. britely.**

This created a rather dazzling landscape that would burn one's eyes if they kept them open too long. "Sunglasses," muttered Rena, reached into her pack, pulled two pairs out, and tossed one to Shay. The pair described a rather nice-looking parabola as it flew through the air and hit Shay, who was busy admiring her cutlass, on the head.

"Shiiiiiny - ow!" Shay rubbed her head irately, bent down, picked up the sunglasses, and put them on. "'re sunglasses canon?"

"No, but we're taking 'em outta th'continuum, so that don't matter."

"Yer talkin' funny - 'ey! Woss this all about?"

"Yew know about wearin' vermin disguises so th'Mary-Sues' deaths are canonical. Well, th'accent comes with th'disguises."

Shay looked outraged. "Yew're makin' me soun' like an idiot! An' I'll 'ave yew knows I was aimin' fer a major in English, too!"

Rena shouldered her pack and smirked at the outraged stoat. "I'll let yer program th'disguises next time. Cummon, we're wastin' time."

"Nex' time! I swear, Rena, nex' time I'm goin' ter make yew soun' like a mole wid a 'ead cold!"

They hadn't traveled very long before Rena paused and checked the Words again.

**lard erthstrype waz r00ler of salmonidistren. he waz fiting teh evel fragho teh assasin. (in case u havent red hte books)**

"Fragho? Any relation to Ferahgo?"

"Don't think so."

**wel in teh bookz fraggo kiled erthstrype erthwite hwo waz erthstrypes brohter nevr got 2 meet him it mad me cry so i rote anohter endign 2 teh storee waht if sum 1 kiled fergho be4 he got 2 erthstrype??????**

Rena ground her teeth. _I **hate** character survival. I freaking' **hate** it. The only plus side to the Redwall division is that it's not as bad as LotR. Plus you get nifty furs. Still, it's a good way to introduce Shay to the PPC._

Shay plopped on the ground, and played with her cutlass.

**so newayz tehre waz tihs hairmade her name waz Psilophyta Magnoliopsida. she had fur of the darkist inky balck I's of rich goled. she waz very nise foght rele well she culd shot majik fyre out of her hadns she cald it her Yrkailalyer Fyre (thatz elfish 4 danjerus my firend saw the lotr movi sed so). evrybudy in salidministran (i cant spel it its 2 long lol) luvd her.**

"Egads, I can't stan' this abuse. Less portal inter Salamandastron, shall we?"

"Yew do the honors, Shay." Rena reached into her pack and tossed Shay the remote activator.

"Okay...'ere goes." Shay opened up a portal, and the two stepped through, taking off their sunglasses.

The inside of the fire mountain was delightfully cool, albeit a little blurry. The author had neglected to describe the surroundings thoroughly, and so Salamandastron was lacking in furniture, rooms, and anything else remotely pleasant. There were only four passages: one to Urthstripe's forge-room, one to the mess hall, one leading to the entrance, and one to Psilophyta Magnoliopsida's room. Rena thought for a moment and chose the passage leading to the mess hall, for most of the noise came from there.

Nobeast noticed the two vermin slip in. PPC assassins, being protectors of canon, were rendered invisible to all beasts save the Mary-Sue. They could, of course, attract notice to themselves if the Sue noticed them, pointed, and screamed, or if they chose to get a canon character's attention. However, this was rarely necessary.

The Sue was inside, all right, defeating several males in an eating contest. Shay sighed wistfully and stared at the beasts around her consuming more than she ever could in a week. "I wish I had that kind of metabolism."

"If th' nex' mission jus' 'appens ter be a Reformed Vermin!Sue, yew migh' jus' get yore wish," said Rena.

Shay was silent.

The other assassin grinned and winked. "Scary, ain't it."

"I can defeat all of you in one go!" proclaimed the Sue, and pranced about most absurdly. "Does any other male wish to challenge my female superiority?"

Of course, nobeast did, so the Sue grinned, flipped her shiny headfur, clasped her paws together, and began to sing:

"No-hoooobody ca-han defeeeeeeeat meeeeee,

It iiiis so cleeeeear to seeeeeeeee,

'Cos Iiiiiii'm the preeeeetiest girl in the mooooountain

I like to...um...take baaaaaths in fooooountains...

Um...la la la la, diddle la!"

There was more to the song, but the agents didn't hear it. They were too busy covering their ears with their paws. Shay let out an agonised whimper, and peeked at the hares in the mess hall as Psilophyta completed her song.

"Top hole, wot," said Shorebuck, forcing a smile. "D'you know, I believe the old Urthingummy should 'ear it too. Capital singer! I'll go fetch 'im - be back in a tick." He left at a considerably faster pace than normal, and the other hares stared after him enviously.

"I...um...believe I ate too much," said Big Oxeye, who looked perfectly healthy. "Challengin' you was a bally mistake. I'll be in me room...urk." He left the hall as well. The other hares, unable to think of an excuse to leave, gazed at each other in desperation as Psilophyta began another rendition.

Oxeye and Shorebuck wandered out into the passage, fighting to keep themselves normal.

"Must not...think about her..." breathed Shorebuck." Must not...pretty gold eyes..." Rena stepped into his line of vision, and he stared at her wildly. "Prettiest haremaid I ever saw," he said hoarsely. "She's tryin' t'take us all over, y'know...you're vermin - but you're different...she's different...never met anybeast like 'er afore..." He was falling under the Sue's control now, and Rena put a paw on his shoulder.

"We'll get 'er for you," she said firmly. "That's our job."

He nodded once and smiled vaguely as she stepped out of his line of vision. A moment later he glanced suspiciously around him.

"D'you believe, I could 'ave sworn I saw a bally vermin aroun' here, wot."

"You're imaginin' things," said Oxeye. "You're tired. We're all tired."

"I suppose I am, sah. But it wouldn't do to 'ave the maid slain." Shorebuck looked at Oxeye, a queer light shining in his eyes. "D'you know, she's not like any bally haremaid I've ever seen before. I've a feelin' she understands me...an' I her."

They walked off, completely under the Sue's influence. Shay dug a device out of her bag and pointed it at Shorebuck.

_[Shorebuck. Canon. 39.7% character rupture.]_

"[expletive]," she muttered, and stowed the device away.

The sound of pawsteps coming close alerted them of somebeast's approach. The impeccable regularity and the perfect lightness of these footsteps told them exactly who it was, and the assassins threw themselves through a doorway seconds before Psilophyta pranced out of the mess hall, still singing.

**shee sang sum mor wen al of a suddin hse herd a lowd nois,** proclaimed the Words. This 'lowd nois' was punctuated by several yells; then a ferret poked his head around a corner and nocked a shaft to a bowstring. "Attack!" he yelled stupidly, and loosed his shaft, which flew towards the Sue.

**psilophyta wavd hre handz sayed a inkantayshun in hre naytiv langwidge.**

"Hacky sacky pow pow pow!" screamed the haremaid, waving her paws around dramatically. "Banana pow kung fu monkey arse!"

**teh arow revrsed flu thru the air kild hte virmen!!!! OMG!!!!**

"Eru _Ilúvatar_," muttered Rena from her hiding spot. Shay looked at her.

"You was in th' Lord of th' Rings division?"

"Bad Slash," Rena reminded her.

"Donkey tiger wind render! You are facing the 733t skillz of Psilophyta Magnoliopsida! Bow before me, fools! You are like cantaloupes before my crushing spells! _Pow pow crouton pow donut! HIIII-YAAAAA!_" screamed Psilophyta, and pretty multicolored lights shot out of her paws and slew the first row of advancing vermin. At about this time, there was a general commotion behind her, and an army of hares leapt forward.

Shay tugged at Rena's paw, urgently. "Should we get 'er now?"

Rena shook her head. "We've got plenny o' charges, but th' real fun don't start 'appenin' until...about...few minnits.' Sides, she won' die. Wot fun would that be, eh? Won' get ter marry Shorebuck."

"Shorebuck's s'posed ter be _dead_!" hissed Shay.

"Yew think I don' know that? Welcome ter th'world o' character survival."

"Aw, hell's whiskers," Shay growled, and flopped back down on her stomach.

**tehn erthstype runs out of ihs forj r00m holdeing a speer!!!!**

The whole of Salamandastron blurred and trembled. Shay was promptly sick, and Rena became a distinct green colour.

"Tense shift," she said weakly, clutching her stomach. "'Appens every time th'author changes tenses."

Shay groaned from her spot on the floor. "I don' feel so good."

**an weasel rased a jalevin & htrew it at the bagger lrod but ten Psilophyta screemed LOOK OUT!!!!! & pused erthstrype out of teh way & teh jalevin hit hte grund undamagingly**

"Someone's been usin' a thesaurus," mumbled Rena, as cynical as ever despite her physical condition. She pushed herself to a sitting position. Rifling through her backpack, she yanked out a notepad and a pencil stub. Shay watched in amazement as a whole list of charges unfolded before her eyes on the paper in a matter of seconds.

**erthstrype loked up at Psilophyta. 'd00d u safed me!!!!!!111' He said. u must be the gr8est warier ever!! 111**

A low growl issued from Rena's mouth. "That's it. I've had enough. Let's go."

Shay nodded quickly and helped the older assassin pack her things. Rena strung her bow, the beginnings of a sadistic grin beginning to appear on her face. Shay shook her head resignedly and wondered if all veterans were as completely insane as her partner.

The Sue had just raised her paws again and was about to recite another Grelvish incantation when the assassins struck from behind.

She fell over awkwardly, knocked unconscious by a hefty blow to the head. Rena thumped her longbow on the ground appreciatively. "Good show, that."

Shay blushed. "Thankee. I took karate lessons."

Urthstripe, his hares, and the vermin were standing about uselessly. They had no willpower to act on their own since the Sue was still alive, but since she was out cold, were able to resist authorial influence. Rena picked up the unconscious Psilophyta, grunting "Portal ter Mossflower" to Shay.

Shay fished out the remote activator. "What time period?"

"Redwall."

The rat gave the weasel a strange look. "You're not goin' ter..."

"Aye, I am. Wot? I've got ter get rid o'the body some'ow, don' I?"

Shay shook her head again and opened up a portal. The two assassins stepped through into Mossflower Woods.

"Right then. 'Ere we are." Rena set the Sue down, bound her paws securely, and set about restoring her to consciousness. Namely, slapping her none too gently and dumping a canteen of water in her face. Psilophyta awoke, spluttering indignantly.

"What the - _help! Vermin!_"

"Oh, do shut up," growled Rena. "Shay, the charges, if ye please."

Shay grinned nastily at the haremaid, baring the yellowed fangs that came with her rat disguise. "Vermin we are, me liddle beauty, an' if I 'ears another peep out of that mouth o'yourn, I'll - " here she made a remark and a motion that sadly must be cut, in order to maintain the rating of this fanfic. The Sue 'eeped' and fell silent.

Rena applauded.

"Now then. Shall we continue?" When the Sue made no reply, Shay wagged her cutlass at the hare and nodded approvingly. "Learnin' already. Right, Psilophyta Magnoliopsida, ye're charged wid the followin': causin' personality alterations an' character ruptures, causing Shorebuck an' Oxeye ter act like lovestruck fools, causin' Salamandastron 'ares ter act like misogynistic bastards, bein' antagonistically feminist, alterin' the location o' key canon plot events, alterin' Salamandastron 'istory, causin' Urthstripe ter act like a Dibbun, causin' Urthstripe ter use modern slang, causin' events to eventuate solely for yer own benefit widout regard ter canonical plotlines, displayin' magical Suvian powers, manglin' the English language, creatin' more minis than the Fanfiction University o' Redwall kin deal wid, 'avin a stupid name, annoyin' us, displayin' extreme stupidity, an' hittin' on Shorebuck. Any last words?"

"B-but I'm not a Mary-Sue!" protested Psilophyta as a sickly sweet odour penetrated the atmosphere and a soft hissing was heard.

"Just in time," said Rena with irritating cheerfulness. "Now then, me dear, we're about ter introduce yew ter a friend of ours. An' 'e 'asn't eaten in a couple days, see, so we apologise right now fer any...mishaps that might occur as a result of yer meetin' 'im. Th'remote activator, if yew please, Shay."

Psilophyta wailed in terror as the odour grew stronger, and the bushes at the edge of the clearing began to rustle.

"Th'activator it is," grinned Shay, and the two agents portalled out as Asmodeus closed in on the helpless Sue.

-----

"Neatly done," said Rena as they collapsed onto the otterskin throw rug in their room. Bromire bounded over, making little noises of hopeful excitement. "Sorry, not today," Rena said to him. He drooped.

"What was that all about?" asked Shay.

"Oh, sometimes I'll bring back a Sue for him to eat. But he just had one yesterday, so he doesn't get one today."

"Right then," muttered Shay. _Ye gods, why couldn't I have been paired with a sane partner?_ "Now, to get some slee -"

**_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!_**__

"[expletive]!"

**[Rena's A/N: Let me tell you, we had loads of fun writing this chapter. Originally we were going to give the Sue to the marshtoads - y'know, they're only just down the shoreline from Salamandastron - but we decided Asmodeus would be better.**

**Read and review, please. Reviews are yummy.]**

**[Shay's A/N: Yep, loads of fun. I wrote the badfic, actually - it's harder than it looks writing crap like that. We appreciate any and all feedback. Review!]**


	4. Much Ado About Nothing

_(Disclaimer: We don't own Redwall or Lord of the Rings. The PPC comes from Jay and Acacia, who first came up with the idea.)_

**Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Mossflower Division**

By Bubonic Woodchuck

Chapter Three: Much Ado About Nothing

**[A/N from Shay: And now, because a reviewer requested it, we bring you the wild, wacky, and completely screwed-up world of the Bad Slashers. At least some of it, anyway. And, for the very first time, a quote to set the mood of the chapter. Enjoy!]**

-----

_"Tears...oaths..._

_Lunatic demands_

_are regular occurrences!_

_Surely there'll be further scenes_

_worse than this!"_

_-André and Firmin, ALW's The Phantom of the Opera_

-----

The coffee machine bubbled cheerfully in welcome to the two groaning agents sprawled on the hard metal floor. A goldfish in its little glass bowl stared, wide-eyed, as a plethora of curses and Generally Very Bad Things To Say were added to its limited vocabulary.

A young woman of about nineteen rocked back and forth, eyes squeezed shut, curled into a little ball. "_Bad _images, _bad bad bad..._"

Her ashen-faced partner managed to get up off the floor and rummaged frantically through the metal cupboards lining the room. "I'm sorry, Akiko. I was the one that set the portal."

Akiko continued to rock. "It's not your fault, Mike. How were we supposed to know that the portal would open up...during _that? _Oh, Mike, I'll never read Salamandastron again. Damn Sue Department. Damn them, I say! Ferahgo/Klitch! The very thought of it!"

Mike Wilson gave a shout of triumph and held up two little vodka bottles. "Got 'em!" he said triumphantly.

She extended a hand. "Give. Here. Now."

He held it just out of arm's reach, grinning. "I didn't hear a 'please.'"

Akiko glared at him through long blue bangs. "I am _not_ in the mood, Wilson! Hand over the Bleepka!"

Mike did so, grinning. "I didn't find it all _that_ bad," he said placatingly.

His partner ignored him and chugged away. Bleepka was an alcoholic beverage - part bleach, part aspirin, and part vodka - invented and manufactured by Meir Brin, of Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy fame. It was specially formulated to erase bad mental images. At PPC Headquarters, especially in the Bad Slash and Disturbing Acts of Violence Departments, it flowed like ale at a Redwall feast.

Akiko wiped at her mouth, sighing. "Only because you used to _write_ slash," she replied. "And trust me, I had a lot of trouble getting used to working with a male slasher when we first began."

Mike held up his hands. "But even for me, that was pretty extreme," he conceded.

"I hope we _never_ do anything as horrible as that again. Ever."

Unfortunately for Akiko, this was when the Narrative Laws of Comedy decided to kick in.

**_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!_**

The goldfish's eyes bulged as Akiko demonstrated her extensive vocabulary, kicking the computer chair for good measure. Mike winced, and plugged his ears.

"Don't remember that, Fish," he said to the fish. Fish was short for Goldfish. Mike could not be considered imaginative even at the best of times.

He made his way over to the console, checking the assignment. His eyes promptly grew to the size of saucers, and he placed himself strategically in front of the monitor, praying fervently that Akiko wouldn't want to see the assignment as well.

Of course, that was too much to hope for.

With a growl of irritation and a "Lemme see it," Akiko pushed Mike out of the way and leaned over to read the intelligence report. Mike squeaked in terror, and fled to one of the larger cupboards, whereupon he stuffed himself in, trembling.

The exclamations that followed were too much for poor Fish's mind, and he promptly expired. Mike, however, was not so lucky, and was subjected to a full ten minutes of pure profanity at a volume that rattled the walls. The commotion was clearly heard quite a distance away, because down the hall there was a ring of steel, someone could be heard shouting _"Elendil! Elendil! For Gondor! For Minas Tirith!"_ and moments later, _"Great seasons, Rena, calm down! And put that broadsword away!"_

Now, dear reader, you are most likely dying to know what was contained within this slash fic that has got Akiko so ticked. Unfortunately, our authors are incapable of coming up with a pairing that is disturbing enough.

We just know it involves slash. And bananas.

Therefore, we shall leave the work's contents to your imagination. Have fun.

"Give it to me!"

"No!"

"Give! Now!"

"No! Not giving it to you!"

"I need it!"

"It's the _last _thing on earth you need right now!"

_"Give it to me!"_

_"Never!"_

A pause. Then, "You know, it sort of sounds like we're doing a reenactment of Amon Hen."

"What?"

"Hah!" Rena lunged, taking advantage of Shay's confused state, and snatched the coffee mug out of her hand, downing half of it in one go.

Shay glared. "You cheated!"

Rena grinned, a slightly loopy look on her nerdy features. "Did not. I do not cheat. I merely use situations to my advantage."

Her partner sighed resignedly. "You and your Lord of the Rings obsession. Sometimes I wonder why you even signed up for the Mossflower Division."

"That's easy. I was the only one in the department with a solid grasp of Redwall canon." Rena drained her mug. "Plus, you can't kill anyone in Bad Slash. I needed...a creative way to get my frustrations out."

"And that hyperactivity."

"And the hyperactivity," agreed Rena. "And... something else." She didn't mention what the 'something else' was, though.

Shay eyed the empty coffee mug as they collapsed onto the sofa. Said sofa was the only décor in the room, save the pelts along the walls and the throw rug, and was covered with a large skin that looked like it came from some sort of mink. Working in a division where all the Sues were anthropomorphic had its benefits. "That's your tenth cup today, Rena."

Rena sat up. "Only ten? I could have sworn it was fifteen. More!"

She lunged for the nearly empty coffee-pot, but Shay managed to snatch it away. The blonde eeped and scuttled for the far side of the room, the taller Asian in hot pursuit.

"Give it here!" Shay turned and eeped again as Rena dashed towards her - and was promptly tripped by Bromire. Quickly, the mini-Balrog sat on Rena and grunted at Shay. Shay looked disgustedly at the contents of the coffee-pot.

"Do I have to?"

Bromire grunted again as Rena attempted to struggle free. "Nooooooooooo!" she wailed.

"It looks like crap," commented Shay, swilling the dark brown liquid around in its container.

The little flaming demon grunted louder.

"Right, right. Here goes." Pinching her nose, the rookie downed the rest of the coffee in a matter of seconds. She pulled a face, gagging and spluttering. "How can you _drink_ that liquid horse shit?"

"By opening my mouth and pouring it down my throat," scowled Rena, struggling to her feet. "That was the last of the coffee, you know."

Shay grinned and dangled the empty pot in front of Rena's nose. "Thank you, Captain Obvious."

"No, I mean the last of all the coffee I had." There was a strange light in the assassin's eyes. "You're gonna pay for that." She advanced slowly.

**_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!_**

Rena glared at the monitor. "Of all the anticlimactic times -"

Shay, who was nearer to the console, approached it, scanning the report quickly. A long silence followed.

"Well? What is it?" snapped Rena impatiently.

Shay turned to her partner, a frightened look in her eyes. "C-crossover S-sue."

"...with?"

Shay's eyes shot to the door, mentally gauging how fast she would have to run to make it to safety. Not that she knew where safety was, anyways. She bit her bottom lip, staring, terrified, into Rena's eyes. The older agent was beginning to catch on.

"No. It can't be." Rena's own eyes now shot to the weapons cupboard, trying to figure out which weapon would be the most painful. "Tell me it isn't."

"It isn't," Shay said quickly.

"Tell me _honestly_ it isn't."

Shay sighed and slumped against the console. "I-it is. L-lord of the R-rings."

A low growl that would have sounded more natural with a badger began in Rena's throat.

"I-I thought you might be excited," squeaked Shay.

"Normally I would. But you know what? We're the PPC. We only get badfic." Rena spun around and stalked to the weapons cupboard, throwing the doors open.

Shay finished reading the report. She winced. "We have...interesting parentage. Very interesting parentage." She jumped slightly as something tapped her back, between her shoulder blades, and whirled to find Rena standing behind her, a long rapier in her hand. "Are you going to carve her like a turkey, or what?"

"Anyone stupid enough to write a Crossover Sue deserves to die. However, anyone stupid enough to write a Lord of the Rings Crossover Sue does _not_ deserve to die _that_ quickly," said Rena, who did not look very hyperactive anymore. She handed Shay the rapier. "You can use this for self-defence. I'd prefer it if you mostly stayed out of the way."

Shay did not protest. Doubtless the veteran agent would know far more about both canons than her. _And,_ she thought smirkingly, _I bet she's got a LotR lust-object - _here she looked questioningly at Bromire -_ and that she's not one of those Legolusters. On the other hand, I'm willing to bet my job the Sue _is. _Only natural, poor Elf._

"D'you have a LO in LotR, Shay?"

_Oh, dear. I was hoping she wouldn't ask that. My tastes are...shall we say...different._ "Perhaps."

Rena managed to chuckle. "Don't worry, I won't press you. You said something about interesting parentage?" She turned back to the weapons closet.

"Er...yes." Shay peered at the screen again. "Uh, ah..." She took a deep breath. "Cornflower and... Gandalf."

_"**WHAT?!**"_ Rena was at the console in a flash. "The hell? It's a freakin' mousemaid and one of the flippin' _Maiar_, for God's sake! How is that even _possible_?"

"Don't ask me." Shay looked resigned. "These Suethors will do anything to get spiffy magical powers."

The other assassin shook her head in disgust as she began rifling through the weapons once more. "And the other charges?"

"Hm. Misogynistic Bastard!Elrond, she joins the Fellowship, she manages to warp both Arda and Mossflower so that Redwall is right next to Lothlórien, she's got a Cute Animal Friend - a unicorn, which is uncanon in either continuum, and also Rapist!Boromir - ohmygodputthatthingawaygreatseasonsyoucouldkillsomeonewith - EEEEEP!"

Shay dove to one side as two massive nunchaku thudded into the monitor, completely shattering the screen and effectively disabling it. Rena was not smiling. Yanking a length of chain out of the closet, she stuffed it into her backpack.

"You set the disguises," she said. "We'll be in the Redwall universe most of the time. Vermin should be fine. Here's a portable disguise generator, as our console is...out of order right now." She crossed the room and opened up a portal as Shay tapped quickly at the handheld. "Oh, and Shay?"

Shay looked up. "Yes?"

"This one's mine."

Shay managed a grin at the mini-Balrog as Rena entered the portal. "I _knew_ it was Boromir."

**[Rena's A/N: Apologies - this chapter and the next will contain quite a bit of LotR. If you've never read the books, or even seen the movies, you might find yourself getting confused rather quickly. After that, though, we'll go back to just plain Redwall. Hopefully, anyways.**

**Yes. I am Boromir fangirl. You have problem with that? No? I not think so.]**

**[Shay's A/N: Free e-cookie to whoever can guess my LO! sporfles He's not in the movies. That was a big massive hint. Rena and I are both book-fans (though her fascination with all things Sean Bean is really starting to worry me).**

**Anyways, since summer's begun, you can probably expect faster updates from the both of us. However, we aren't guaranteeing anything. Please read and review when we do write, though. Feedback is appreciated. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far - it makes us feel warm an' fuzzy inside.**

**Oh, yerss, almost forgot. Our Intellectual Question of the Day:**

**Where _is_ this yellow submarine that we all apparently live in?]**


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